Post #7 - Left Eye of the Storm
PART ONE
Well, the weeks are zipping by. I’m still here, doing stuff and whatnot.
For some reason, I feel an obligation in each blog post to include some version of the statement, “I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP.” Most likely, I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still grinding, however disjointed it may be at times. With several weeks having passed since I began this project, I’m no longer engulfed by the wave of positive energy I mustered as a catalyst in the beginning. This is natural, of course. I had to overcome no small amount of inertia to launch this writing escapade. That momentous exertion was never meant to be sustained long-term. Now, the fanfare (even if it was mostly in my own head) has dissipated, and I’m paddling into uncharted waters. As the excitement has dwindled, it can feel like I’m not doing as much, even if I am diligently attending to the writing process.
Maybe this is way too much information, and I’ve totally lost you. I suppose this process is like getting in shape. That first run is brutal. Actually, the first 15 or so runs are brutal. But, eventually, you adapt, and it begins to feel less like work and more like something your body agrees is okay to do.
It’s not a perfect analogy, though. Allow me to contradict myself. I’ll be honest, writing can sometimes seem like work. I mean, it is. But it isn’t. You know? I think the nuance is how I feel about doing it. It can feel compulsory, or it can feel like a natural outflow. Other times, it’s a mix of both. The hard truth is that if I only wrote when I 100% felt like it, I wouldn’t have a shred of hope for finishing this novel in my lifetime. So, there is a bit of kicking myself in the butt to get into the “work.” If it always felt like a chore, I wouldn’t be interested in writing a novel.
It’s a weird relationship. I think the hardest part is making the effort to sit down and enter into a writing session. Once I’m going, I’m good. So, I often do have to give myself a gentle nudge to get started. I sacrifice a share of instant gratification now in light of the endgame. It’s like going out and finding a penny every day. It seems trivial and like I’m not getting a whole lot done each day, but I know eventually, I might have a whole dollar. And who doesn’t love a nice dollar?
Okay, I swear I’m going to get to some approximation of a point with this post. Are y’all tracking with me?
PART TWO
The division of this post into parts is completely arbitrary. But isn’t it easier to read? Like, wow, you just completed an entire section of this post. Look at you—so productive (and supportive). Now, let’s all hope and pray there isn’t a part three.
PART THREE
I’m going to be very clear: you’re in my house right now. These are my rules. If I want to make a blog post with 100 “parts,” I’ll do it. I am unhinged.
PART EIGHTY-TWO POINT SIX
All right, I’m back. Anyway, what I wanted to mention was some bizarre lifestyle choices I’ve recently made. I have an eye problem (and a back problem, but that’s for another day). For the last two months, I’ve been living with a gray, blurry shadow occupying the center of my left eye’s vision. The special eye doctor tells me fluid has leaked and gathered behind my retina. It’s not supposed to be there. The first line of attack is to…well, not attack. At my (relatively) young age, a condition like this is brought on by high levels of stress and/or use of steroids (the doctor lowkey asked if I was on steroids [I’M NOT, OKAY]). So, we’re addressing it first by mitigating my overall stress, in the hope that the fluid will recede on its own. Incidentally, all of the prescribed lifestyle changes have been quite advantageous for my writing headspace.
I’m doing morning and evening guided meditations. I reduced caffeine intake from an average of 400mg/day to a single cup of coffee (about 95mg) per day. I’m more mindful about getting enough hours of sleep. I regularly substitute deathcore for lo-fi/chill music or an audiobook. Also, I’ll be doing a sleep study soon to ascertain if I have sleep apnea (because golly jeez, I’m tired all the time). With work, I have the luxury of starting my day whenever I please (within reason), and I’ve allowed myself a slower start to the day instead of the ol’ “rise and grind” mentality.
The first week of this new routine was fantastic. I was honestly the most concerned about the caffeine reduction, anticipating I would perish once my morning coffee ration wore off. It’s humorous how implementing changes to make life less stressful can be stressful in and of itself. Anyway, the first week got me thinking, “Why didn’t I make these changes sooner?” Alas, like all thrilling beginnings, the hype wears off with time.
As I’m only a few weeks into this, the data is sparse, but I’m already noticing some things. Despite my strict adherence to the same daily practices, the second and third weeks revealed a deterioration in that “fantastic” feeling I mentioned earlier. The fatigue set back in. The mood shifts returned with a vengeance. Some unprecedented sadness and anger surfaced. My mind began to drift and ruminate during the guided meditations. Regardless of physical slowing down and efforts to soothe my physio-neurological system, a desire to go fast resprouted.
The regression towards the mean gave me pause. I was equal parts perplexed and frustrated. I was doing all the same things, but getting different results. Reflecting on all this so far, I’m suspecting my system has engaged a “change back” protocol. I challenged what my body and mind were used to, and they got mad. This is but a minuscule example of the resistance to change. Even if the change is from less healthy to more healthy, there’ll be resistance. Our systems want things to remain the same, because that’s what’s familiar—many processes are automatic and require less energy to maintain. I may be extrapolating a tad here, but it sounds about right, right?
All too often, the change back reaction wins, and we, well, change back. It’s almost like a second catalyst is required to avoid this pitfall. There’s the primary inertia that must be overcome to initiate the change, and then there’s the second hill to conquer once the body figures out this change is here to stay.
Man, I think I’m in a bit of a double whammy right now. My situation is demanding a dual portion of fortitude—this point in writing fiction and the lifestyle modifications are both novel (heh, word play) to me; both are changes that my biopsychosocial operations are opposing. Phew, that was a long sentence. I feel like I need to lie down after that one…
PART EIGHTY-TWO POINT SEVEN
Well, thanks for being here as I process all this. I’ve been able to see that overconsumption of caffeine and the associated quickened pace of just about everything were inhibiting me from feeling what I needed to feel. This would explain the sadness and anger that ostensibly arose from nowhere. As fun as it is to skim across the surface at breakneck speeds, sometimes what we need is to stop and submerge ourselves in the Lake of Lament (I made this up just now—cool, right?).
So, what the heck is the point? Maybe the point is between the lines here. I acknowledge I went a little wild in this post. I think I need this space to let loose sometimes. It’s helping me get to know myself, which, in turn, will aid in writing this novel. I’m in it for the long game, and I’ve got to keep myself in shape if I’m going to make it. Mental and emotional resilience is imperative, and writing this blog is helping me synthesize it.
PART 100
In other news, I’m plugging away at writing—the novel, that is. Still feels like I’m winging it, but I’m gaining diminutive morsels of confidence and courage each day. I wish I could steal away to a cabin for a month, unperturbed by work or other responsibilities, to hunker down and write to my heart’s content. Pending that opportunity, I’ll continue to do my best where I’m at with what I’ve got.
Until next time,
